Insanity Ensuing

Insanity Ensuing

( 3:37:00 PM ) Miss Scarlet

So tonight might be interesting. I'm sure it will be fun and I am looking forward to it and the outfit I have planned...although I'm not sure the jeans I'm wearing will work with the hott sweater I brought...but I digress.
The group of us tonight is weird and not weird at the same time. A year ago it would still have been weird and not weird, but in a different way. Dynamics have changed, people have changed, relationships have changed.
The last year has flown by so I think that is why it seems weird for so much to have changed because it feels like it has happened in a short amount of time. But it hasn't...this time last year? So different.

( 8:46:00 AM ) Miss Scarlet

http://public.fotki.com/scarls17/photo_contests/food/

( 9:08:00 AM ) Miss Scarlet

I do this thing...I hate to fight with people or have them be mad at me but sometimes, I just get really frustrated and pissed off and need to do something about it. So it's almost like I'm in a fight with someone but they don't even know. It's stupid, I realize that. When trying to understand it, even to myself, it's as if they've done something to hurt or anger me but it's not something to warrant an argument or confrontation. I just need to take a step back, or not give as much "me" as I normally would. Probably a part of me wishes they would realize and do something about it. I still wouldn't want a confrontational, "What's wrong" because I would say, "nothing" but if only the situation would remedy itself. I know that's wishful thinking and I know this thought process isn't exactly the best but everyone has to deal with frustration their own way, right?

( 3:48:00 PM ) Miss Scarlet

I just wish...that some people would get it.

Just GET IT!

( 8:44:00 AM ) Miss Scarlet

Sometimes I feel like I have a chronic case of the butterflies. Right now I feel sick from the fluttering that is going on in my stomach. I wouldn't describe myself as a nervous person but I also would never describe myself as a "girly girl." So while I want to blame my butterfly feeling to nerves, I know that there is more to it than that and also, I would rather appear as a strong person who doesn't let much get to me. But is the flip side so much better? Do I want to be perceived and known as a person who gets giddy over little things and gets lovesick when not even in love? But then it occurs to me-maybe I do. Is it so bad to get excited over little things? and focus on the positive in an otherwise mundane situation in order to get excited about it?

The butterflies though...they're taking over my life. I'm to the point of almost wishing I was sick with a stomach virus to explain it. I'm sick of spending my day overanalyzing everything that goes on just to give explanation and clarity to things. The introvert in me (and yes, it's there) causes me to think incessantly, which is fine and I enjoy my grand conclusions I come to. They make me laugh. What is weird to me is when the thinking overflows from my brain and out of my mouth to the ear's of the unfortunate listeners around me.

Last night something frightened me as I was driving and I got that feeling in my stomach that is most closely described as fear. I had never made the connection between the feeling of butterflies and that feeling you get when you think a car is about to sideswipe you. Now would be the appropriate time in this blog to make the connection between butterflies and fear and what am I so afraid of but I don't think it's that easy. I have to do some more thinking on it...

( 12:36:00 AM ) Miss Scarlet

I hate it when I get jealous about really stupid, STUPID things.

( 9:08:00 PM ) Miss Scarlet

Just as I get okay with living far away from everyone and everything I have a day where it bothers me a lot and I wish for anything to have a place in NOVA. Today I left my cell phone at home and the thought of getting all the way home and then hearing a message inquiring about my plans was incredibly frustrating. Luckily (??) I had no messages so I didn't get the horrible feeling of missing something. I shouldn't have been surprised to have no messages as one friend is out of the state, one is sick, my family knew I didn't have my phone and another friend has been busy all day.

So right now I'm just uploading CDs onto iTunes because I AM going to reach the limit sooner than later and I'm excited. 10,000 songs-that's insane. But as I'm doing that I am also checking email (none since I checked when i got home at 7) and talking to Vanessa on AIM. This puts me in a position of checking people's away messages and blogs though and as a result, when certain people make changes I tend to get annoyed. I was trying to think on my way home about friendships ending...most friendships just fade over time because circumstances change. Julianne and I were inseperable but it's hard to keep up when she is in Baltimore and I was in Richmond and now Bealeton. Plus she has her boyfriend now who I am sure wins her free time more often than not. (which is fine). I'm trying to think of those people with whom I was close and now we don't talk much. I still talk to Andrew because I have to keep him around in case we're both single and 40 because he is my backup. I don't really talk to Pat anymore but I never really had a friendship on the level of sharing things and trusting, etc. I had some good times hanging out though and I do miss those. I miss talking to Alyssa because she's always good for a long conversation but I 1) she lives in New Jersey now and 2) we both changed a lot I think and didn't mesh as well (priority/beliefs/etc wise). I don't get to see Johanna as much now and especially since she is living in Florida now but I know she'll always be there and she's always been so good about listening to my boring stories about my lame life:) Vanessa and I have to be friends because we not only have crazy fun together but too much has happened during those crazy times for us not to be friends. We didn't talk for a month once but it was a misunderstanding of intentions and everything worked out. She knows some secrets that she's taking to the grave and vice versa. So to get back to my point I never established, I'm still hesistant to end a friendship. Can you be friends with someone just because they can be fun to be around? Can you say, "Let's go have fun but I don't trust you farther than I can throw you"? or "Sure, we can hang out but other than entertaining me at times you add no value to my life"?

I need to work on my screenplay like whoa.

Too much is going on in my brain.